I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I cut my penus on the lid.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
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You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
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We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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