in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
