its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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