I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
