I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You can't just leave with hair like that
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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