about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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