so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
