New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
