Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
