Jerry, you need to find god
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
