better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
