I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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