Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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