I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
