my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
