Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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