If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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