I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
