You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
