Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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