Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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