it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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