Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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