I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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