There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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