I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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