Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
