Girls should come with a carfax report
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
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I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
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I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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