One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
