I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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