There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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