in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Come back. Shots need mouths.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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