This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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