New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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