So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
