Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
