i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
