Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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