I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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