Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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