I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
40s are totally the cure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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