I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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