I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
