you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize