if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
