last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
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