So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
