her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
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One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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