I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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