my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
