I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
