Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
