Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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