Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
